I’m graduating high school next week and this is the only year other than my sophomore year sense 8th grade I didn’t end up in psychiatric care while everyone was saying their goodbyes on the last day of school. It feels strange.
today I am one year free from self harm
When you want to die — you’re suppose to reach out to people, to ask for help and love. What do you do when you don’t have anyone to share love with? What do you when your shrink is the only one who knows what your head looks like but you just need someone to hold you through the nights of bawling? What do you do when you want to survive but you don’t know if it would matter?
Someone come hold me, you can feel the sun on your face in my bed, it’s surrounded by flowers, and there’s poetry on the walls.
I was with a boy who told me he didnt want me to say “I love you” to my friends anymore. We were together for three years and now I have a hard time connecting and getting close to people. When I feel something other than indifference towards a person I feel overwhelmed with disgust for myself and guilt. I think I internalized the way he would critique and try to control me. I’m sure, I know, there’s more to my emotional distance but I guess I learned sometimes when someone doesn’t love themselves they’ll take all the love out of your body. They’ll take it until you don’t have anymore and you can’t even love each other.
I want to unravel and understand myself, I think it’s the only way I’ll ever be okay.
time really gets away from you when you start questioning yourself.
i think my family has this unspoken of rule that everyone needs to always feel very orderly. like if you could graph emotion they wouldn’t want to deviate from the x-axis what so ever. the ideal vibe is y = 0 for them. i think some fucked up shit happen and i was reacting to it normally but they invalidated me to the core because they couldn’t or didn’t want to deal with the circumstance for whatever reason. So instead I was told it wasn’t a big deal or I was overreacting. I lied to myself I suppose, instead of processing events I told myself they didn’t need processing. I know people feel very differently about the legitimacy of repressed memory due to traumatic childhood events but I don’t remember most of childhood. I only really have memories from 13 and on. I barely remember the last time my dad left after my thirteenth birthday, I don’t remember the first time I cut, I don’t remember my father’s house, I don’t remember my 12th birthday. I think repression was a way to continue the belief it was no big deal, because if there’s no memory you can’t have a reaction to it. Invalidation is fucked up and if there’s one thing I do right as a person I hope I never oppress or invalidate people. I don’t know but if there’s something I care about it’s people being able to experience life fully and happily and I just don’t ever want to hinder that possibility.